What is the Purpose of “Shomer Negia”?


What is the purpose of being Shomer Negia during dating? Thanks



  1. Being Shomer Negia – refraining from male/female physical contact before marriage – is one of the hardest aspects of modern life. Today, so much emphasis is placed on physical contact and bonding that a situation has arisen in many societies where people feel that they can only “really” communicate when they touch each other. When it is described like this, we all hear the subtle absurdity. However, when the problem is ours it becomes much more complicated and complex. 

    The experience of two souls bonding together is one of the highest sanctity. Even inside the framework of marriage the physical side of the relationship is contained to a certain number of days in the month. The reasons for this are many and varied, but, basically, when the foundations for the whole relationship are centered around the physical, the chances are great that, as the desire begins to ebb, the very reason for the relationship will ebb as well. A husband and wife need to build their relationship around the spiritual and the physical, for a certain amount of time in the month they may only communicate verbally, or via the means of gestures. A couple must learn how to communicate their deepest feelings and thoughts in a non-physical way. It is very hard but, it is very rewarding.

    People must learn how to verbalize their feelings and to communicate with each other. The need for people to reassure each other of their love is an obligation, but one needs to communicate one’s love and desire without actually touching. By a person showing his/her concern for everything that his/her partner does, from the serious to the mundane, he/she is truly expressing their innermost thoughts. And by doing so one is announcing one’s love, not just for one’s partner, but for the Torah and ultimately Hashem Himself!        

    The Laws of being Shomer Negia are varied and involved and are beyond the scope of this format. There are many books in English that deal with the subject such as: 
    Dr. Lisa Aiken, To Be a Jewish Woman, Jacob Aronson Inc. 
    Gila Manolson, The Magic Touch, Harper & Row
    Rabbi Manis Freedman, Doesn’t Anyone Blush Anymore, Harper S. Frisco  

    Best wishes from the AskTheRabbi.org Team