Lost Faith

Question

Hi, I wanted to ask a very open question because I know it is such a broad question.

I was fired 2 months ago for different reasons, I do agree it was for the best, I hated admitting that to myself. I felt like an awful person. I was working at a preschool at my synagogue and I have had a lot of personal things going on. My mom almost died twice while I was working there. I had a very hard time because I got frustrated that every time I would talk to my director, I was shut down. So, I gave up. I tried to talk to my coworkers, but they thought I needed to lighten up and get over it. I gave up on that. I never bothered to talk to anyone else because I tried twice and got nothing.

I ended up getting burnt out and exhausted mentally and physically. I remember first starting and it being totally different. I do think I had no support and I ended up going home so frustrated. I just didn’t have the same attitude.

Well, because they chose to fire me at the preschool, I lost the job teaching the classes for Judaism to the kids upstairs. They said it was policy.

I haven’t gone back to my synagogue since I was fired. My Rabbi called me and he was very sweet and nice, he explained that despite my employment there, I was always welcome. I told him I know and would be there Friday.

I’ve ended up crying every time I think about it all. I was diagnosed with broken heart syndrome and I’m on heart medicine until that heals because I was having physical problems after and they figured it out.

I love my Rabbi, he has taught me so much. But I feel like an embarrassment and I can’t show my face there. My mom won’t even think about going anymore. I tried to shake it off and just go and I can’t.

I even started wondering if I should be Jewish. It sounds so stupid. I just almost shunned myself. I was like, okay let’s go be Christian I guess. But I don’t believe in Jesus as the messiah. I truly do believe in the Jewish faith and it made me so happy.

I just don’t know how to go back. I love my Rabbi and I don’t want another synagogue, but I can’t go back.

I’m sorry, I know this is long and scattered. I just need to figure out something because I feel lost.

They are hosting the Passover Seder and I haven’t bought tickets yet because I don’t know what to do. I can’t bring myself to go and be with everyone there and feel like I am this horrible person. I feel like a horrible person. I’ve hated myself since that day. I can’t breathe thinking about it.

I feel like I’m grieving everything I lost there and it’s my fault and I’m the reason I lost my faith.

If you can’t help me, I will understand. I just need help understanding what to do because I loved being Jewish and now I feel like a person who everyone will talk about or they will ignore me if I do go like the director or the religious school director or whoever knows. I just need something to help me figure it out because I’ve tried on my own. Because all I feel like I’ve done is become a very bad Jew for everything I’ve done. And then told myself, well when Yom Kippur comes, I’ve got a lot to repent for.

I just don’t know anymore. And I hate it

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Answers

  1. I empathize with your feelings and I truly understand why you feel as you do. It can be soul-destroying to have your work terminated, especially when where you work is also your spiritual home.

    To me it sounds as if the only real option that you have is to sit down with your rabbi and let him know – in a gentle and non-confrontational way – just how you feel. How you want to be a part of the community and that you miss your spiritual connection, but that you are too embarrassed to just “launch” yourself back into the communal life that you loved so much before this all happened.

    I am sure that the rabbi, on understanding what you are going through, will do everything that he can to ease you back into the community and communal life in the most sensitive way.

    Best wishes from the AskTheRabbi.org Team

  2. I think that’s the best idea. I think I was almost too embarrassed to even talk to him. It’s been so hard to figure it out and I knew my Rabbi was the person I needed to talk to, but I guess I couldn’t face him. I didn’t want him to think I was a bad person. I know he’s a Rabbi and is supposed to be the support person for spiritual reasons, but I think I couldn’t even show my face to even him. I feel like I let him down.

    I even thought about going to another synagogue, but I loved my synagogue so much I just couldn’t leave. I feel stuck in limbo.

    I think I will just take the plunge and go talk with him. I really appreciate the reply. It’s been so hard and the one place I needed for the support, I ran from. Thank you for the advice and thank you for not judging me. I felt ridiculous, but I was almost in agony trying to decide what to do. Thank you again

  3. Please accept my heartfelt prayer that you are able to overcome your embarrassment and that your rabbi be wise and accepting – and that you rediscover your place within your community once again.

    Best wishes from the AskTheRabbi.org Team