Lost Faith

Hi, I wanted to ask a very open question because I know it is such a broad question.

I was fired 2 months ago for different reasons, I do agree it was for the best, I hated admitting that to myself. I felt like an awful person. I was working at a preschool at my synagogue and I have had a lot of personal things going on. My mom almost died twice while I was working there. I had a very hard time because I got frustrated that every time I would talk to my director, I was shut down. So, I gave up. I tried to talk to my coworkers, but they thought I needed to lighten up and get over it. I gave up on that. I never bothered to talk to anyone else because I tried twice and got nothing.

I ended up getting burnt out and exhausted mentally and physically. I remember first starting and it being totally different. I do think I had no support and I ended up going home so frustrated. I just didn’t have the same attitude.

Well, because they chose to fire me at the preschool, I lost the job teaching the classes for Judaism to the kids upstairs. They said it was policy.

I haven’t gone back to my synagogue since I was fired. My Rabbi called me and he was very sweet and nice, he explained that despite my employment there, I was always welcome. I told him I know and would be there Friday.

I’ve ended up crying every time I think about it all. I was diagnosed with broken heart syndrome and I’m on heart medicine until that heals because I was having physical problems after and they figured it out.

I love my Rabbi, he has taught me so much. But I feel like an embarrassment and I can’t show my face there. My mom won’t even think about going anymore. I tried to shake it off and just go and I can’t.

I even started wondering if I should be Jewish. It sounds so stupid. I just almost shunned myself. I was like, okay let’s go be Christian I guess. But I don’t believe in Jesus as the messiah. I truly do believe in the Jewish faith and it made me so happy.

I just don’t know how to go back. I love my Rabbi and I don’t want another synagogue, but I can’t go back.

I’m sorry, I know this is long and scattered. I just need to figure out something because I feel lost.

They are hosting the Passover Seder and I haven’t bought tickets yet because I don’t know what to do. I can’t bring myself to go and be with everyone there and feel like I am this horrible person. I feel like a horrible person. I’ve hated myself since that day. I can’t breathe thinking about it.

I feel like I’m grieving everything I lost there and it’s my fault and I’m the reason I lost my faith.

If you can’t help me, I will understand. I just need help understanding what to do because I loved being Jewish and now I feel like a person who everyone will talk about or they will ignore me if I do go like the director or the religious school director or whoever knows. I just need something to help me figure it out because I’ve tried on my own. Because all I feel like I’ve done is become a very bad Jew for everything I’ve done. And then told myself, well when Yom Kippur comes, I’ve got a lot to repent for.

I just don’t know anymore. And I hate it