What is 1+3? ( 4 )
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What is 1+3? ( 4 )
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My heart goes out to you in your pain. You are obviously suffering and I empathize with your dilemma.
However, it seems to me that your spiritual sorrow can actually be a source of inspiration for you. What you describe as a hole in your heart is not necessarily a bad thing.
Remember the story of Akiva and Rachel? At the age of 40, unable to read alef-bet, Akiva gave up hope of ever coming close to God. One day Rachel led him to a stream and asked him what he saw. He said he saw a waterfall. She asked what he saw under the fall. He replied, “The water has carved a hole in the rock beneath it”. She exclaimed, “If something as soft as water can bore a hole in something as hard as rock, surely something as strong as Torah can bore a hole in something as soft as your heart!” Encouraged, he eventually became the great Rabbi Akiva.
There are so many admonitions in the Torah warning against ‘a heart of stone’, and so many appeals to ‘circumcise the heart’, that the hole you feel should be taken as a very good sign that your heart is still soft and sensitive. Thank God your heart shows spiritual vital signs! Sometimes God brings physical, emotional, mental or even spiritual suffering to very special individuals in order to personally ‘circumcise’ their hearts and spare them the spiritual callousness of which so many people suffer.
At this point in your life, despite the path that your father of blessed memory laid down for you, and despite your extensive Jewish education, I think you should start from scratch. At the age of 49 with a gaping hole in your heart, you should start over from alef-bet and begin filling the gap with the soothing waters of Torah. Read Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzatto’s classic work “The Way of God” for a re-introduction to the fundamental’s of Jewish belief. Also, read with fervor the Psalms of David in which you can vicariously experience his own longing for, search of and discovery of God.
Let me conclude with the following thoughts. Sometimes we feel like the ‘bottom drops out’ as we sink to the dark murky depths. When this happens, one must realize that there are Divine sparks everywhere, and sometimes we are plunged to those depths specifically to redeem those exiled, captive sparks and elevate them as we resurface. This can be compared to pearl divers who plunge to the dark and murky depths of the sea in search of impure oysters, only to resurface and pry out of their grasp lustrous white pearls.
There are many exceptional, knowledgeable and sensitive rabbis who can help you. Open your heart, search sincerely and have finding a rabbi in mind as you request in the 11th blessing of the amida: “Restore our judges and counselors as at first, remove from us sorrow and despair…” I suggest you contact Gateways Seminars at firstname.lastname@example.org to help receive the answers you need.
Best wishes from the AskTheRabbi.org Team