Intermarriage

Hello, Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I come from a mainstream frum, yeshivish family. My older 30-year-old sister is unfortunately not religious. She lives out of state but comes to visit on occasion. Around a year or two ago she came for a weekend and told me that she was in a relationship with a non-Jew. I have a very hard time with conflict and uncomfortable situations, and so I acted interested and happy for her. I've never spoken to her spouse, and she only mentions him infrequently. She also told my parents about her relationship, and it broke their hearts. They maintain loving contact with my sister and speak to her often, but refuse to mention her husband and will not interact with him. At this point I believe my sister has been with him for 5 or more years. I call my sister and stay in contact with her, which is important to me because I value family and because I genuinely like her as a person. When she mentions her husband, I don't know what to do. I feel sick at the thought of telling her "what you've done is very bad and you shouldn't talk to me about it." I also feel bad being dismissive or ignoring any mention of him. She recently invited my younger sister and I to visit her, but that would raise new complications regarding her husband. I want to do the right thing. I have very strong hashkafos but simultaneously feel compassion for my sister and I don't know how to balance the two. What is the appropriate way for me to deal with this situation? If you can include practical guidance, that would be much appreciated. I would like to know what the Halachic and Hashkafic approaches to my situation are. Thank you so much again for your time. Sincerely, Sara I.

I’m in an awkward unexpected position. I am scheduled to be the maid of honor at the wedding of my best friend since elementary school who is not Jewish. Even though we are different religions, we consider each other to be sisters. She made a point of scheduling the wedding on Saturday night after Shabbat ends so I can be there. It is going to be a civil ceremony. I am all ready for this wedding, having bought a dress and had my name printed on a program all at the nonrefundable cost of hundreds of dollars paid by her parents. She is looking forward so much to having me in that role. Just this past week, I learned to my surprise that the man she is marrying, who I have met infrequently because of his busy work schedule, is actually a Jew according to Jewish law, even though he doesn’t consider himself one. I found out by accident that his mother is a Jew who was brought up Jewish and converted to Catholicism when she married his father. His immediate family actually practices very little religion at all and he considers himself an atheist. In other words, this wedding is an intermarriage. I never would have guessed he was Jewish because he doesn’t have a Jewish name or looks. They way I found out is I attended a party held by his family and was surprised to see other Orthodox Jews there. One of them told me she is his cousin and explained how they are related. Not just that, but she says she will be at the wedding and doesn’t mind attending and they are getting kosher food for her too. What am I supposed to do here? Can I still go to this wedding? What should I tell my friend?

I just saw an earlier question on intermarriage and became curious, even though this is not me. If a Jew intermarries, not knowing better at the time, has children, and then subsequently learns that their marriage is not permitted, are they required to dissolve a happy marriage and the stable lives of their children’s upbringing in a two-parent home in order to comply with the requirement to not be intermarried?

Dear Rabbi, What’s really wrong with intermarriage? Thank you.

If a non-observing Jewish man is already happily married to a non-Jewish woman with whom he has children, and then suddenly gets interested in observing Judaism and wants to fulfill the mitzvot, is it preferable for him to divorce his non-Jewish wife and break apart his stable family? Or is it better for him to remain married and maintain the stability of the family he is raising?

Dear Rabbi, a friend is dating “out” and I mentioned to him that I really hope they don’t get married. He asked me “Why not?” I told him because it’s wrong, but I didn’t have any solid arguments. He’s a logical person, and I’m sure will seriously consider what I tell him, so I hope you can help me out here. Thanks.

Dear Rabbi, My stepdaughter, a Jewish girl, is marrying a very fine Catholic man. My wife and I are looking for a nearby Rabbi in (location withheld for privacy) who will perform the ceremony for them. The groom wishes the actual ceremony to be held jointly with a Catholic priest. The wedding ceremony and the reception are to be held in a hotel so there is no "religious property" involved (i.e. not in a church). Thanks Rabbi for any referral you can offer.

Shalom Rav My boss's son is getting married to an Asian girl this Shabbos. I have celebrated the High Holidays in Shul with her and her parents who were Conservative when Conservative was much closer to Orthodax than Reform as it is now. Her father even blew the Shofar each year, Anyway, when she comes back to work I would not look to mention the wedding, but if she does, how should I respond? "Congratulations" or, "That's nice" seems out of the question. What do you suggest? Todah rabah

I am acquainted with a soon to be married couple who are very excited and their wedding is all planned and is happening this coming December. He is Jewish and she is not. He knows he is Jewish, but aside from that does not care. These two have been childhood sweethearts who wanted to get married from when they were young. Should I be a busy body and try to stop this intermarriage? Or should I mind my own business and let it happen? If I do get involved, I will probably make them angry and won’t change them anyway. Knowing him, he won’t listen to any rabbi who approaches him.